She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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