U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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