Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
