____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
we should paint friendship bongs
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
