college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
