So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
