Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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