Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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