She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
