i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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