I must be too annoying 4 u.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Im part way to drunk.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
