So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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