I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
