Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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