moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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