Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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