last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
