i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
