I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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