i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
