I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I supernannyed him into submission
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
