I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
