I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
