have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
