if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
