i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
