Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
