He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
