I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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