I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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