is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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