I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
