I'm so fucking centered right now
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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