My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
