Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
