Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
