I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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