The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
