There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
