Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
