Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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