Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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