I want to have your abortion
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
