I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
