i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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