i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
