just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
