i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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