she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
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nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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