My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
