and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
