I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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