i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
