I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
