I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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