She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
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