im drinking this country out of the recession.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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