Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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